| What im learning .... |
[Aug. 29th, 2004|02:04 pm] |
I made the most mature decision so far by deciding to go to HCC, not that anyone else there will be mature but yet again..anyhoo. I must admit I am with Jack on this whole jealousy thing but you know and if you didnt know you shouldnt be reading this but my senior year was bull..I didnt get anything done and i just dont think im ready to go off on my own... no curfew, frat parties,and lots of free time are something I just dont need right now, especially the Freshman 15. I am getting my shit together period. I dont need. although i really want to go away to school. Maybe i am just trying to reassure myself that i made the right decision considering I got into every school I applied to. *shrug*
I have spent my entire life on the move, meeting new people, living in new places, and then leaving the people I had become so close to. The coin has been flipped and I AM the one being left. When I look at it like that I can understand why I want to be with everyone else, or why i would want to go to LSU cuz I would be living with everyone or just plain leaving.
As with everyone else in this state I start school, if you could even call it that, tomorrow. I am not stressed at all but i do need a new toothbrush. And with tomorrow I also start my weight drop. I know i know ive been on a "diet" for like 6 months. hahaha. Unfortunately I am an emotional eater and therefore summer sucks because im bored half the time and eat A LOT. Getting serious and back in shape and fixing my stupid back are my priorities and another reason why I am better off in Columbia. I would be on my own for workouts, diet and food in general, and therapy for my back...not a good thing considering I cant even cook Mac N Cheese but i can cook Lasanga... go figure. I have a problem with boiling water?
My car is still at Seans...sorry...we are taking care of it today. And i have to mow the grass! I am wishing all of you the best of luck because I think I am going to spend the next month here, making friends and doing my shit before I start integrating myself into the CP lifestyle. I dont think it will be good for what I am trying to accomplish this year or semester however long it takes. This time is for me: to get into a good school with scholarships and experience, honestly see if I WANT to be a powerlifter, be at a healthy weight and cardiovascular fitness, find new interests, save up some money, possibly get a trade like bartending or masseuse... i really wanna be a masseuse.
Wishing luck to everyone and you will find friends. You are not the only person who is new.. and that is the beauty of college. make yourself happy because you are no longer held by the constraints of high school. that is why college is supposed to be the best years of your life and why it either makes or breaks you. I love all of you and I will be seeing you later rather that sooner. Im trying to keep myself busy. As should u. Good luck at class. Be smart as i know all of you to be. |
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| KAROAKEEEE |
[Aug. 11th, 2004|04:17 pm] |
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Alright so its been like what a month? yea im in North Carolina in Wilmington affectionately known as the "dub" to some..thats so gay. kind of like the bubble huh? I dont miss Columbia to be perfectly honest and i like being here with ilsa (haha i just have to be nice cuz shes with me) jk i love you ilsa. and she knows it too! I miss my friends but i guess i should get used to being by myself since everyone is going off to college. I still dont know where i want to go.. but brown sounds awfully nice huh ilsa....im done cuz shes being blonde. going to clean her fucking palace. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|09:09 pm] |
Summer. Sucks ass. Not really but i DO miss the beach so. I really dont think anyone understands my attachemnt to the sea,sun,&sand. Riased at the beach, lived at the beach, spent summers at the beach, slept on the beach, partied on the beach, went to the bathroom at night on the beach, kissed on the beach, volleyball at the beach, and i made so many friends and developed my friendships at the beach. IF you can lay out for days on end and talk randomly and read your own books while sunbathing with one other person you OFFICIALLY have bonded. I miss waking up, eating breakfast, putting on my bathing suit and going to the beach only to fall asleep with the feeling of the sun on my skin and the sound of children laughing with waves crashing. It is the most peaceful place on Earth!
Enough about the beach, I at least got ONE day at Ocean City on the beach thanks to JACK-O. Jack if I havent told you already how much I appreciate you letting me stay with you, you now know. I had a great time! For those of you I havent seen since Senior Week I hope everything is going okay. Dont feel left out...the only people ive hung out with are michelle and anna. I feel kind of hermity lately. Mostly working and cleaning and bonding with Kali (Marks dog). Taylor is gone and I do miss him so...im excited cuz he wants to talk to me tonight, he requested my presence, I feel blessed.
Things with the uh hum person I dont like right now because he was being jerky are rocky. Havent seen him in awhile and he got tude' with me today. Defensive about his own damn problem which I dont blame him for, and if I was a NORMAL girl I wouldnt be his friend but no, I get shit for still being friends and making a crack on our half ass relationship.
My friend form Wilmimgton, NC might be coming to visit for a few days. I am estatic! Anyhoo, that is it for now. Ta-ta. |
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| Can u have a Happy Ending at 17? |
[Jun. 3rd, 2004|02:57 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  confused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Avril Lavigne Listening Party- :P | ] |
"My Happy Ending"
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus:]
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
And all the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
You've got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be
[Chorus]
It's nice to know you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
[Chorus x2]
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh...
so its not the exact feelings but for the most part yea. So much for happy endings. I slept until two today, i feel way too lazy. off to work, confused and i believe more so than the person who im confused for. |
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| Interesting |
[May. 16th, 2004|04:28 pm] |
I havent updated in awhile and it is Sunday so i figured this might be the time. I began my registration for HCC and i am alright with admitting im going there because id rather have time and actually consider my options then just rashly deciding the college i am leaving for since i Dont plan on staying in Maryland. I just knew that whatever decision i made was not going to be a very smart one and Id end up unhappy. so therefore HCC works and plus i can save up money considering I got 2500 and could get 3000 more if I did Work Study. Anyhoo my class schedule is as follows:
MWF 7AM- English, MWF 9AM Chemisty, M 11am-Chemistry Lab, MW 2Pm- Macro Economics, TTH 2PM-Biology, W 11Am-Biology Lab.
So I just found out that Anna's 14/15 year old brother is "talking" to a junior at our school. Does anyone else realizxe that is statutory? Yeah What is our world coming to I mean girls are now able to date younger guys without there being a double standard against them!!!!? Wow this just might be helpful to me in the future (only my girls know why). Speaking of which I had a wonderful Friday night and Saturday morning.. major props to Anna for letting me come with her even though It meant we missed the stripper!
Happy Birthfday to ANNAAAAAA! You stink like poopoopoo but we still LOVE YOU you you!
Thats all i really have to say except I am really glad we are graduating soon and I am kind of going to miss it but not really. I just have to say that to not sound and feel so bitter towards the high school experience cuz from where im sitting it is looking pretty damn good. |
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| Bad Boy Bad Boy why do i want you |
[Apr. 29th, 2004|10:41 am] |
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I really think there is something wrong with me or at least with more than me considering I am not the only female attracted to bad boys. I know why I like them, because in my point of view I am not exactly desirable, as one may put it, and to catch the attention or achieve the interest of a reputed bad boy (the ones who go after beautiful, skinny, popular chicas)is kind of enthralling. It is all about the challenge for me, how big of a challenge is this and how far do I take it? Of course my past two challenges havent really worked out all that well but the challenges were different for each one. One of them i wanted to actually get in a relationship and the other I wanted to see if I could get him mainly on a physical level but still be friends. Both blew up in my face but hey! its me, im not really good at the diplomacy and normal people stuff. I like what i like and i dont understand why people have to comment on it cuz for the most part, key phrase since I have done this before, I do not really condemn anyone. Sure I can think they are not the greatest person or need a little more couth but for the most part why not let them be and learn from their own mistakes? I usually am quite hurt when i hear bad or false opinions about myself from people whom I hardly know or whom hardly know me, therefore, I try not to make judgements on people I dont know. Makes sense right? I also dont understand the tendency of certain people to make rude comments and secretively open about the fact that one they dont like you or two they were talking about you. I would much rather question someone on why they feel they have the right or the need to gossip about me because geesh as you can see I am just so gosh darn interesting. Plus I would like to hear what reasons or truth they have behind most of their comments, and of course there is none but it makes for attention brought upon themselves and makes them look like they're part of the "in" crowd and the know-how. Ugh. 14 days more days of school. I think i can get through it. And to be honest with all the shit i have gone through during high school, especially this year, I am more than ready for college. There isnt anything I havent dealt with besides actually being in love or in a relationship which i am not ready for anyways. So i think im just going to keep to myself, work hard, be true to what i want even if it changes day to day, and acquire more intimate relationships with people I really like instead of focusing on the falsehood of people who dont like me. Whadda ya think?By the way, just so Sean Vorsteg knows I absolutely adore you. You make me smile! |
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| So I Never forget |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|11:39 pm] |
I would say yes to appease you
So you might have loved me more
Now I lay flames flickering
Like your wavering affection
Wrapped up to keep the cold wall inside from building
Warm tear by tear
Im waiting for you
To explain it all
Why she picked up
And why you wont call
Why did I let you do this
Substituting you, Mr Now, for Mr. Right
Mr. Now uses words
I want rightful actions
Show me I am perfect
I am beautiful
I am wanted
I am wishing you were right
But you are not
Im tired of this circle
Spinning me round and round
My partner may be different each of the go arounds
But the motion is all the same
And these ups and downs have driven me insane
White candle I am still pure
Ive been burned
Yet not to the core or scarred beyond repair
Im still breathing
You flame isnt consuming all my air
And Im not waiting any longer
For you to explain it all
Why she picked up
And why you didnt call
I wont let you do this
Im moving on
So go on, find another to bestow upon
15 minutes of lust and a lifetime of pain
Cuz words wont buy my affections
Im taking time to find Mr. More |
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| Long Time no Type and lots of bullshit |
[Apr. 27th, 2004|01:04 pm] |
Last night I was checking my email and was informed by an anonymous poster that it was time I updated. I havent updated for lack of shit happening, well besides over spring break since I was grounded but things have gone hunky dorey until this last weekend but before I become melodramatic heres whats been up:
I started working at Chick-Fil-A because I needed a job FAST, I like their food and since (technically I really have) I ve been in the restuarant business since I was 12 I figure my raises will come fast and it will be a non-thought-provoking employment. The plus side is i get a free meal, my managers like me, I work drive thru most of the time cuz i "have a pleasant voice" (except when bitches get attitudes with me...damn rich columbum bitches), and I could get a scholarship. Not to mention I am learning Spanish thanks to the kitchen and some of the front crew, most of the people who I work with are either bilingual or just speak Spanish. It makes for some interesting hand signals! Oh yea and it has really made me look at the lower middle class and single moms and Latinos and people who are thought of as "beneath" most people in a different way. They are really nice and most of them have taken me under their wing and tried to teach me Spanish, they actually like that I want to learn. Oh yea and I am one of three white people who work there so im a minority and I like it. No offense but a lot of "white" people annoy me, it just must be the experiences I have had but anyways.
My mother and I havent been getting along lately which is mostly my fault since I really have not been the best daughter she could ask for or have to deal with, but im not quite admitting that to her yet. When I lived in Florida, my mom and I really depended on another more like sisters than mother and daughter and when i came up to live with her I thought that relationship (the one that i prefer) would continue but i guess that she decided in these last few years of my adolescence to try and knock some sense into me. I start going to a therapist tomorrow named Something or other, every wendesday for as long as she think i need to go. My mom realized there are some unanswered issues that I need to face and talk about to someone who didnt have to live through it.
The latest melodrama in my life, is one that I put on myself. Albert, one word and its just complete encompasssing. My close friends know what and who I am talking about even though theyve never met him and until today Ive never been able to let go of the idea of working it out with him. I have spend over two year, thousands of minutes, lots of money, and deceit to my mother to keep talking to him and I just never asked myself if he was worth all of that. How naive and stupid I sound I knw but this is one of the reasons that I need to talk to someone because as cliche as this may sound I really didnt and still dont think there is someone out there for me so when someone paid attention and told me the things I wanted to hear I just lapped it up. Kind of like this past year with some other people but worse. I am not scared or afraid to admit that I have a problem with guys, it probably comes from my dad or some incident I had or maybe even all the books ive read. Everyone is supposed to have their one love and I thought I had it and then when i KNEW it wasnt him,, i just didnt want to give up the idea of being loved no matter whether i was loved or not. I put all this emphasis on guys because I saw my mothers relationship with my dad, and my cousisns and my aunts, and my nanas and all my friends and how many people got hurt by relationships and how many girls fall for the wrong guy, or just fall to fall. And then I had my grandparents who I thought had the perfect relationship only to realize how tainted it was, and I wanted so desperately to find it in the first guy so that I would never have to go through all of the pain of relationships. And in a sense I realize ive never had a relationship and im not altogether sure i am ready or wanting one right now.
Then there is pwoerlifting, my lifts are going pretty well except when im having a bad mental day which is like once every two weeks. My weight has really gone up cuz i let myself go and now i have to decide what i am going to do. Graduation is coming and Senior Week, and unfortunately Prom. My mom just told me she wont be helping me pay for anything for prom and I just cant afford to spend that much money on one night when i dont have someone to share it with and granted most people are going as friends but for pictures and table seating. I just feel like its is so much for so little and Im not sure that im willing to take anymore of that. I am tired of doing so much or paying so much or trying to be so many different things to so many different people that I realize I really need to concentrate on whats important to me. Friends are waging wars and Im caught in the middle, and ive lost touch with a lot of people becuase ive been grounded and I feel out of the loop and mostly I am ready for my grounding to be over with and be able to LIVE IT UP for awhile but not at Prom and not this weekend or next. Senior Week, when i know im graudating and ive had some time to take control over my eating and lifting and basically get ready for the leeway of summer.
Ahhh summer. How sweet it sounds. How i long for peaches and corn on the cob and hamburgers and a beach to swim and lay on and walk the boardwalk and check out hot guys and go to the club and dance all night till the sun rises just to do it all over again. Hmmmm i am too north for my attitude. |
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| I am one word. SLACKER. |
[Mar. 30th, 2004|12:41 pm] |
Alright six days plus weekend without going to school. I get up, i just dont go. Ahhh but i have it all worked out see Spring Break starts in three days. I get six days to turn in make up work, therefore, i have all spring break to make up shit. Woo hoo! Which will at least give me something to do besides work, as soon as I find a job. I really am a slacker.
Funny story for all the peoples out there: During lifting Sunday night, we were posed to run with the sled. The sled being a weighted sled that we pull with a bungee cord looped in a belt and attached to the sled for cardio/muscular endurance workout. As I begin my pulling I felt something give and low and behold the Metal Hook unhooks from the sled and I begin to fall forward but not before the hook had the pleasure of spanking me in the ass cheek. After screaming obsenities, we went inside to see what the damage was. My mom thought it had torn into my ass but luckily it only produced a big welt on my left buttcheek. And then my mom goes and blames it on me. WHAT THE FUCK. She says that we arent allowed to have metal in our workout devices anymore because Becca and metal dont mix. Well there goes the squat rack, and the bar, and the leg press, and everything else we use. jesus. i get hurt just during daily actvities, daily. I banged my toe, smashed my finger between two plates, burned myself with a heating pad. Oh man im was just watching this squirrle outside my window and the thing was scratching itself so hard it was vibrating. I wonder if squirrels get STDs. Maybe then theyll all die off.
Oui Vey. I have at least goten the chance to catch up on world affairs :). Did anyone watch Call Me: The Rise and Fall of Heidi Fliess? Good movie. For those of you who dont know Fliess was the Hollywodd Madam for a few years. I dont see what the big deal is. Men are going to have illegitimate sex whether its organized by a madam or not. At least make them pay for it. Groupies throw themselves at rock stars and have sex with them for nothing, c'mon stopids at least make him pay to have sex with you and give you shopping moeny. If ure gonna be a whore, at least make it a good living not just for kicks. No one regualtes the amount of fat in mcdonalds food which isnt good for you and you pay for it. Why regulate sex, good or not good for you, for money.
Question for everyone out there: GUYS- Would you or would you not pay to have sex with a woman?
GIRLS- Would you or would you not be a call girl?
By the way think of it this way. Famous guy wants to have sex-would u rather see someone banged for free or be the one he pays to bang? And which is worse?
Pretty tricky questions. |
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| Hyper hyper hyper hyper hyper |
[Mar. 11th, 2004|09:27 am] |
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Okay so my little craziness has started. Shake in the morning, half a bar at 10:30, lunch at 1, fruit and veggie at 4 and dinner at 9 after lifting. sounds good for prom and spring considering im going to be seeing someone that i havent seen in almost two years. ahhhhhhh icant wait. i mean i hope that it is worth and im not doubting that it will be but yano everyone always worries that people arent always telling the truth. I believe him but sometimes "friends" can be very bitchy and try to down your feelings. cough cough we all know who im talking about dont we? Wink wink. So anyways i had a very interesting conversation at Drama Rehearsal yesterday, even though im not in the cast, everyone i love is there so i visit and procrastinate actually doing something worthwhile with my time. Gym was fun this morning, funner than i thought it would be, however, i really do not like those showers. like gross okay i do not know how michelle handles that crap... ewwww. But the big black guy was really nice to me and said hello while veryone else and tehir mother was watching me workout cuz god forbid a girl be able to close grip bench 90 something lbs. o my god like beckky her buttt issssss soooooooooo big! I like big butts and i can not lie you other brothewrs cant deny that when a girl walks in with a little bityy waist and a round thing in your face your sprung. Corrine told me i have a big butt for a white girl... my lifes mission man. If only i had the white girl waist too! Much love im gonna go converse. |
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| happy? |
[Mar. 2nd, 2004|02:31 pm] |
Let it was away my sanity cuz i wanna feel the thunder...Im coming clean. Last night it rained, and then the sun came out and the world was all beautiful again. I woke up to the sound of my phone ringing and pushed aside the curtain and felt the sun on my skin and it was almost like the sun spread joy all over my body. I opened every door and window I could and sat on my deck ledge just looking at the creek and woods behind my house. I felt perfect, like in this moment everything is okay.
Last night Anna, Michelle and I went to Fuddruckers and had a mini-girls night. Anna spent the night and as she was sleeping away on my couch I watched "Under the Tuscan Sun," what an amazing movie! It made me think about a lot of stuff, love, life, chances, crossroads. We all have wishes and sometimes we are so concerned with fulfilling these wishes we dont even realzie they there already fulfilled. I wish to be loved and safe and happy. And I realized I AM. No everything isnt perfect all the time and yes i stress and im lazy but the moments like this morning are what we all live for. Those moments of complete cleanliness and completeness. I have friends who love me, my family loves me and will always be here, and I realize how much potential i have. And I will readh my potential, especially with lifting. Ive become much more determined and focused during workouts and I feel the changes, my quads are becoming more defined and its gratifying.
I went to meet my new mentor(s) whom I am going to see today in about an hour. They are two of the four Strength and Conditioning coaches at UMCP. We talked about a lot of things and I am confident that I am going to learn a lot about the training of athletes and about whether or not this occupation is for me. I want to make athletes the best they can be, and I need to make myself the best athlete I CAN BE. That means running and getting myself in better shape and eating healthier. No more kirspy kreme at 2 in the morning. poop...i know.
I went to Target with Anna today and I picked up a roll of film from lord knows how long ago. The pictures span the time frame of September to two weeks ago. A night at Ians house, Back to School dance, the night out with Rebekah, and random pictures of last week. I love you guys just so you know...the interaction between people is so funny. We all have our own personalities and quirks and i love every single one of you. And i feel as if there are other peoples who feel that way too...and that my friends is happiness. |
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| Color versus Colour |
[Feb. 27th, 2004|10:09 am] |
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Taking a poll... who likes my journal now? hehehe. color or shall i say colour makes everything better! Grant was reprimanding me in English today and he called me Myers and its really funny because thats what my coaches and people who knew my dad use to call me so it kind of was flashback time. My mom called an old family friend of ours, Mrs. Stuckey who is pretty much my second mother from childhood. I was at their house all the time, their son who played football and baseball for my dad was my babysitter, and i had a crush on her son. well two of her sons, *sheepish grin* Johnathan is the one who is 18 but is in my grade, he gets out from juvenile detention center March 10, after 18 months. He used to be my best friend when we were children and when i began to attend Vero we never really hung out because he chilled with a different crowd. Everyone knew Johnathan, he was a partier, a drinker,a surfer and a druggie (the four components of cool people in Vero). One night after a lot of drinking and a lot of drugs, he was at a friends house and supposedly he went upstairs while his friends sister was sleeping and molested her. I dont particularly believe the story because there are a lot of blank spaces and i personally had experienced the pure bitchiness of this girl and of course I was more prone to defend Johnathan then her virtues, none of which she had previously displayed. This girl was a drinker and druggie as well and i was torn between whether he did it or not, and he if he did whether he should be punished as harshly as he was for it. 18 months later, he graduated from high school and has he GED and has come out a much better person and hopefully the Stuckeys will come to graduation. Gotta Jet! |
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| Im welcoming you to my Harem dammit. |
[Feb. 26th, 2004|05:41 pm] |
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Sarah Brightman is the shit. Watch her video... this i why i want to go to the Middle East their entire culture... the buildings, the belly dancers, the clothing, the pure sensuality of it is just intoxicating. Maybe ill perform a belly dance at Bens house eh? Heres the link if you wanna see what i am talking about..............
http://www.sarah-brightman.com/frame.html. then proceed to New Album. And click the prospective speed for the video for Harem.
Harem
Burning sands Winds of desire Mirrored oasis Reflect a burning fire Within my heart unwatered Feeding the flame Welcoming you to my harem Sing for me A song of life's visage Sing for me A tune of love's mirage Deep desires Sleep untold Whispers that echo The desert of my soul I hold your Eastern promise Close to my heart Welcoming you to my harem Sing for me A song of life's visage Sing for me A tune of love's mirage Time is change Time's fool is man Time will escape The passing sands of time I hold your Eastern promise Close to my heart Welcoming you to my harem
I have invited you to my HAREM DAMMIT. Why are boys so dumb? If he would just be like hey. lets go to my house. OK LETS FREAKING GO! it is not that hard. arrrgh and they say we are the fickle ones. right. im easy ...really easy to understand. i like usable presents, i like dressing up, i like naps, i like lifting, i like messing around, i like kissing, i like flirting, i like sports, i like jeans, i like boys.
Journalism girls were tlaking about Prom and i know what i want but i have not found aything that resembles my desires. I want something very simple, very elegant, sensual, and different. My only decoration is going to be on my back. A multi-colored henna on my back and possibly earrings or bracelets. Grrr like i have the money man. |
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| Can they go back to Canada? |
[Feb. 21st, 2004|11:15 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thirsty | ] |
Alright I am not feeling too well so if this does not make sense, forgive me. Friday night was a lot of fun... i hope you liked your presesnts Tricia! Karaoke was amazing and the only reason the guys got good scores were because they can hold a mike and sing louder because anna and I would have blown yall but we both have sore throats, and let me tell you Karaoke did not make it any better nor did screaming my head off at the Co. Wrestling Matches help. I forgot how tense wrestling is, man versus man one of the most difficult struggles of strength, endurance, and heart. I know Sean is disappointed but I do think he gave the other guy (who he had a good 3/4 inches on that other guy which he made up for with muscle) a run for his money and although it is no consolation, i am still proud of him.
Back to me though, I am breaking out like a mother and not eating healthy and I really should get back on this whole i-am-serious-about-lifting thing. Michelle and I are having this talk about how I am an old soul and should date someone who is more on my emotional level which is true but i just dont know anyone like that and If i do theyre too scared to actually try something. What is wrong with trying again and again, eventually you HAVE to get it right... its called probability. "If you dont succeed, dust yourself off and try again/ you can dust it off and try again." I am seriously about to go trim my own hair hahahah this should be fun but anyways. Does anyone else think that Edible paint would be fun? Seriously though, you could paint rooms that taste like your favorite foods that arent good for you to eat and then when you get a craving you could lick your walls!
Thats enough for me. I need help. |
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| The Rain Has Fallen and I Feel Clean |
[Feb. 19th, 2004|08:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hilary Duff "Come Clean" | ] |
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
Back to when the earth, the sun, the stars all aligned
'Cause perfect didn't feel so perfect
Trying to fit a square into a circle
Was no lie
I defy
Chorus
Let the rain fall down
And wake my dreams
Let it wash away
My sanity
'cause I wanna feel the thunder
I wanna scream
Let the rain fall down
I'm coming clean, I'm cloming clean
I'm shedding
Shedding every color
Trying to find a pigment of truth
Beneath my skin
'cause different
Doesn't feel so different
And going out is better
Then always staying in
Feel the wind
(CHORUS)
I'm coming clean
Let the rain fall
Let the rain fall
I'm coming clean
(CHORUS)
Let's go back
Back to the beginning
So I have officially listened to this song about 5 times now. What a sing a longable piece! I think im annoying Mark but i dont care. Okay so Ive been to school for a whole week if i go tomorrow... i know i know clap clap for becca. Everyone; "O my god.. youve been here for FOUR days straight." Well id like to thank all of my firends for their support and a wonderful weekend (Fock Canada and the respective deliquents) and can anyone feel the absolutely beatiful spring we are gonna have. Man...i cant wait to sleep in the sun. Okay thats all. No thoughts, just love and smiles. |
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| off to STUDY! |
[Feb. 16th, 2004|06:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | chipper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fairly Odd Parens and Lifting Hooplah :) | ] |
Hola all my fellow journal writers! This has got to have been the most bestest weekend ever, I think everyone is going to be in VERY GOOD MOODS this week...Canada and Fuck Canada groups alike. :) I forgot how much fun it was just to chill and be. Just be. I must give major props to Jack-O, Jon, and Meish for letting everyone get together. Unfortunately, paradise does not always last forever and here comes the To- Do list for tonight... the consequences of this weeked: Read 300 pages in Invisible Man, Do physics make up work and Study with Michelle for test tomorrow, Calculus Problems, and Messer stuff. Ugh! But suprisingly i do NOT have undereye circles... how amazing is Mary Kay Undereye Relief. Ooo yeah heres another tip: pUT Two spoons in the freezer overnight, wake up 15 minutes early and place the spoons over your eyes for 30 sec on, 1 min off for 3 minutes until its warms and then keep them on for 5...the cold stops the puffiness and gives less circulation to eyes which means less blood and therefore less color. The magic of Cosmo eh? Not to mention Karma Sutra *wink wink*
I think im in (shhh a lot of like) for a certain person. Ohh yea and thanks to the consumation of many beverages I get to start back on my diet again...shakes in the morn, bar at 10, healthy lunch at 1, veggie at 430 and Protein Shake for Dinner. I plan on dropping 10 pounds in less than 12 weeks... Breaks, Bikinis, Boys, and Beer are wonderful motivations arent they?...aka the 4B's.
So i did somethign really stupid today. As I finished an arguement with my mother about shit, I asked her if i COULD go to SEnior Week right? And of course she was like yea and I replied Ok, but i want to let you know that I am participating in the usual activiites... BIG MISTAKE. Ugh me and my BIG MOUTH... or not so big by some standards but hey im a white girl no?
More weekend updates later but i have to go study. School is loverly isnt it? |
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| Valetines was created by a GRUMPY OLD MAN |
[Feb. 14th, 2004|04:57 pm] |
Today is February 14th, known to lovers and haters (go on and bursh your shoudlers off) as Valentines Day and ironically enough i have come to terms on this very day about what i am Feeling. After a 2 hour conversation with Michelle one night this past week... and might i add that this week was amazing, i love going out to breakfast with peeps which made thursday feel like forever and a day...back to conversation...i had some very big revelations as did michelle since she heard me cry (finally!). It wasnt a sobbing cry it was more like a relief cry since i let Albert go after two years, the week before Valentines. He was seriously my best friend, while still being my frist emotional love, and he hurt me a lot and vice versa but i realized i needed something more and possibly someone more. With everything that has happened from the Back 2 School Dance until about the end of January, after a lot of hurt and anguish and just feeling really shitty about myself i realized that half of what happened is my fault. Peoples reaction (mostly negative) to my actions were half of the issue but MY actions were the other half.. much like cause and effect. My actions were really not represntative of what i NEED, definitely wanted booty and a honest, quick friends with benefits kind of thing but i realized that that is a NO NO for me. I need some kind of substance in my relationship, i want a friend, a boy friend, a cuddler, someone to be with and to grow with. I know i am an emotional person, i love fully heartedly even when people dont deserve it. I especially TRUST everyone..which i prob shouldnt but as ive said before I feel as if there is good in everyone and if people never give others the chance to change, they wont because what is the point, no matter what they do you will always think negatively of them, which is horrible so I try in my own little way not to be like that.
I am really starting to realize that our whole relationship entity of our society is messed up... in my opinion partially due to the generation after reaction to feminism, particularly extremists. YES women are equal mentally. Emotionally and physically we are not, that is where the BALANCE OF POWER comes in. Coming from a powerlifter, this is unexpected but hear me out. Physically men are stronger, for the few expceptions, much like personalities, men and women differ... there are some strong women who are stronger than the weaker mean but there is no woman who is stronger than the strongest man. Men were built differently for different jobs such as hard labor, and strong women can perform those jobs but are found very far and few between. Women are MORE emotional than most males, except for those few males who have been raised to express their feelings more liberally or are genetically predisposed to having more estrogen.
This is where my case in point comes in, as a reaction to feminism going beyond equality in refernce to mental capacity, society has changed the way in which relationship occur. It is almost like a slap in the face really. We have become degraded essntially, we flaunt ourselves and our sexuality and we act like we can handle sex without the emotion, granted SOME women can, but most of us cant and we end up getting hurt and acting out and making males feel as if women are pyscho and women get this grudge and wall up about men and that all men are scum because he dumped her for someone else to actually date her and she is left wondering why she gave the milk and he didnt wanna buy the cow. This is the perfect analogy to what im thinking. Have you ever noticed how girls who stnad up for themselves and have values (not saying that women predisposed to hookups dont) actually get the GUY, and we just sit here wondering what the HELL happened.. and then figure that we arent pretty enough or skinny enough... the cycle of degrading self-destructive behovior continues within the female race.
After all of this, I have realized I can change my own reaction to males and possibly have a relationship built on ideals and values. THere is a pattern and a balance we all must yearn to obtain.
Wow, reading back through this, I feel as if I should be like a motivationa speaker of some sorts..hahah..heres comes Becca again. This was a long process and i had to go through some pretty heavy shit but I feel as if I have come out on top and im just continuing the other cycle of life...learning more about yourself through struggles. |
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| Senioritis (is that even spelled right?) |
[Feb. 10th, 2004|09:52 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  hyper | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Typing in Soft Apps | ] |
Alright so this weekend was pretty fun filled or at least more beverage filled than usual. It was nice to have a reprieve from my responsibilities but now it is back to seriousness. So whos up for helping me drop weight? Hehehe.
I have officially started my weight drop today considering yesterday i slept from 11 Sun night until 2 Monday afternoon and then took a nap from 4-630. Not much eating was going on there.
So heres the deal I am talking to Tricia online Sunday night and she tells me of one her interesting night and two the interesting conversation she had with some peeps. (TW,JM, and some more i presume were listening) In a nutshell i think TW actually might have a mind of his own and that i think is pretty chill and not to mention i didnt know he was built, and thats just hot. Oh yea and he thinks i have nice triceps which i really dont have NICE tris but im willing to take a compliment right?
Oh yea and lets see im feeling kind of lonely lately and honestly I wanna talk to ALLLLLLLL! Ok so i did last night because one I have no pride and two i couldnt fall asleep. He sounded so hurt and confused and I was like can we just be friends cuz honestly the kid knows everything about me and to not be able to talk to him was killing me. But hes like I can not just be FRIENDS with you, it owudnt work cuz i love you too much and im like cant you love a friend and hes like not after the past. This no make sense-A. He was like I wasnt all that upset because i knew you would call me eventually because you keep getting confused and its unfair because you know that I will forgive you for it and it will go right back to how it was and then youll get confused again and i dont think its you get confused i think you just cant be committed. WOW..just put it in perspective for me why dont you? I KNOW im being unfair but i want him when i want him but sometimes what i feel for him is too much and he is so far away and i get confused because I feel like no one will ever love me like he loves me and yea. About senior year...can it just be over. I have had at least hmm three people say... I just dont think i am coming to school anymore and I replied, holler.
By the way Beyonces solo preformance SUCKED ASS. It was like a broken freakin record... come on and two i love her dress but the idea was shitty. Okay so SOME GIRL just walked by and she has my exact scarf/belt except in Pink USED IN THE EXACT SAME WAY! ugh. Girls suck. and boys suck even more. Oh and how bout Kevin was nice to me at work on Sunday and i IMED him and commented on his newfound happiness and he was like mocking me and asked me why I used big words to try and make myself sound smart. And i was like one who doesnt and two i can admit to it because its like a defense mechanism and hello, thats why i do it and hello you employ them too dumbass pencil sized dick (which can be taken literally or figuratively :) ] Ok now i really have to pee and go visit Tricia.. its her b-day on the 19th and OMG its my HALF BIRTHDAY TOOO!!!!!!!! WAHOOOO we are gonna partttyyyy! |
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